Chapter 1
The sun is setting into the open waters of the horizon, dark lilac cushioned by purple and blue clouds. Here on this wild beach where time stopped in a time when people still mainly lived off the land, and life was simple and laidback. Even now, it still looks like it did a hundred or two hundred years ago. Here, it’s easy to imagine that we’re alone in the world.
His strong arm is around my shoulders, I have his taut, muscular body to lean on, his fresh scent—soap, seawater, and the remains of sunscreen covering his natural musky, intoxicatingly all-male scent. Perfection.
I never imagined, not even in my wildest fantasies, we would be sitting here like this. Ever. What does he see in me? How is it possible he sees anything but an awkward, too skinny, pimply teenager? He’s already almost a man. And he’s gorgeous enough to date anyone he wants.
I can’t stop questioning it all. Even though I know I should just lean on him and enjoy it while it lasts. It can’t possibly last long.
We’ll have to walk back home in complete darkness. Past crumbling houses and a long-abandoned mansion that used to house poor and mentally disabled elderly people. I never go near it after dark, since everyone says it’s haunted. I hope we don’t find out if that’s true tonight.
But even that doesn’t scare me. Not if he’s with me, holding my hand. He’s strong enough to chase all my fears away. I know it. I feel it. Deep in my chest, even deeper in my belly.
His hot palm, rough from the endless windsurfing and rowing he does all day, every day, slides up my back, across my hot, soft skin under my t-shirt, sending blindingly exhilarating shocks through my core.
He faces me and gives me a look of longing that sends my heart racing. Then he leans down and as his lips touch mine, the circle of sparkling, electric bliss is complete.
But he wants more than just a soft kiss. His hand is on the back of my neck now, the pressure of his strong fingers painful. With his other hand, he’s pulling at the drawstring of my shorts. Even his kiss is hard and almost painful now.
It’s all too much. Too fast. I’m not ready.
I gently push him away with my hand on his chest, and try to back away from the kiss. His hand on my neck won’t let that happen.
“Don’t be like that?” he whispers as he leans back to look at me. His large blue eyes very dark and glowing like two glass orbs. Oracle orbs. Showing me my future. It’s not a good one.
“Let’s just kiss,” I whisper back.
“I don’t want to just kiss,” he says and his voice is no longer as soft as the sweet evening breeze off the summer sea. It’s like the strong scary wind that comes before the storm frightening.
“Come on, stop it,” I plead, chuckling a little.
Suddenly the walk back through the darkness is already a nightmare playing out in my mind.
“No,” he says and that’s my next word too, as he grabs me by the throat and pushes me down onto the rocks covering this beach.
The back of my head hits a sharp one, dazing me for a few moments.
The next thing I know, he’s lying on top of me. His intoxicatingly strong body now pushing me painfully into the ground. His strength is no longer a good thing. Now it’s terrifying. I can’t move, I can’t even shout because he’s clasping his calloused hand over my mouth. I wiggle, but that just hurts worse.
“We both know this is why you came here with me tonight, so stop fighting,” he hisses.
I shake my head and my, “No!” is only loud inside my head. It comes out muffled and feeble. Just like I am. Weak. Too weak to fight him off.
“This will be our little secret,” he whispers, his voice once again soft, but no longer pleasant. “You won’t tell anyone.”
And I didn’t.
I just buried that night in my mind, where it lurked, dark and scary, always a dark, menacing shadow at the edges of everything I’ve done since.
Will the pain ever stop?
I asked myself that question for the first time after he was done that night. And many, many times since.
I don’t have an answer yet.
